Everybody loves disclaimers except when they are in contracts and working against you and you can’t claim anything because they disclaimed all of it and you didn’t read like dude lol that’s why you need a lawyer when you sign a contract. 

EXCEPT DISCLAIMERS SOMETIMES GET THROWN OUT BY THE COURTS WHOOT because disclaimers like “i disclaim all liability” can be unfair so they pretend it doesn’t exist or you wrote it wrong. 

Booyeah. The law is sneaky. Also confusing. And that’s why lawyers get paid by the hour.

We get annoyed by contradictions in law and ignorance of the public of the law, but at the same time that’s exactly why we get paid so much.

A young man, shipwrecked on a small, deserted island, found an old oil lamp sticking out of the sand. He picked it up, and looked at it, thinking, “Wouldn’t it be cool if there were a Genie in here?” He knew that Genies did not exist, but figured he had nothing to lose, so he dutifully polished the lamp.

To his amazement, an enormous Genie emerged from the lamp in a cloud of smoke. The Genie announced, “Thank you for freeing me from the lamp. In accord with the customs and principles of my profession, you are entitled to precisely three wishes. Wishes will be granted in accord with the laws of the State of California, and any claims, disputes, or disagreements relating to the wishes shall be resolved by binding arbitration applying California laws.”

“That’s weird,” said the man, “I never thought a Genie would sound so much like a lawyer.”

“But I am a lawyer,” replied the Genie, “I am both a lawyer and a Genie. You should be aware that, for every wish you make, I will not only grant your wish but will grant every attorney in the world double what you wish for.”

The man didn’t care much for attorneys, and he wasn’t sure what to make of the Genie, but what was the worst that could happen? He decided to take the Genie’s offer, and make his wishes.

“I wish for fifty million dollars,” he said. As money poured down around him, the Genie reminded him that every attorney in the world had just received one hundred million dollars.

“My second wish is for a luxurious mansion, more stunning than Versailles, fully staffed and furnished with fine antiques.” The ground rumbled, and a mansion slowly rose from the earth. It was astonishingly beautiful. A butler approached him with a tray of fine food. He ate hungrily, thinking, “It really can’t get any better than this.”

But then the Genie reminded him, “Every attorney in the world just received a mansion twice as nice as this one.”

The man thought carefully about his last wish. He appreciated what the Genie had done for him, but it burned him to think that the attorney who had botched his divorce case had fared even better. And there was the attorney who had stolen from his mother’s estate. And wasn’t the President an attorney? The man shuddered, realizing what people like that could do with this kind of wealth and the power it could bring. And it was then that he made his final wish.

“I really want to give something back to society,” the man said. “I wish to donate one of my kidneys for transplant.”

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and grumbled, “I hate it when people seek free advice from me at parties.”

The lawyer replied, “I know just what you mean. It happens to me all the time.”

“How do you handle it,” asked the doctor. “It seems rude not to answer a question when you are asked for advice during a social function.”

“I just send the person a bill for your time” replied the lawyer.

“That’s good,” said the doctor. “I’ll have to remember that.”

The doctor went home and thought about writing a bill to the man who asked about the ulcer, but when he woke up the next day it had already slipped his mind. The night’s events came rushing back to him the next day, however, when he opened his mail. In it, he found a bill for $100 from the lawyer for “consultation services rendered.”

Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive, and saw a beatiful model walking towards them.

“What a babe,” one said, “I’d sure like to fuck her!”

“Really?” the other responded, “Out of what?

You May Need A New Lawyer If:

• Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.

• When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.

• Your lawyer picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”

• Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.

• A prison guard is shaving your head.